i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
