apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
