My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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