I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
