I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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