My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
