if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
