what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
