I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
