I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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