there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
