Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
