phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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