Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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