oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
