Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
