This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize