Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So vagazzling was a success
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
