Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dignity is for republicans.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
