I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize