My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize