She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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