I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
