The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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