i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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