I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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