I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
