please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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