Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
