"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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