I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize