I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
