i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
