life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
