I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
