Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
