Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
