I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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