mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
