i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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