I must be too annoying 4 u.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize