Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
