They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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