If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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