Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
