note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
try to milk me bitch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
