Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
