my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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