how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
