He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
