Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
