make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
