Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
