his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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