It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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