Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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