Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
