Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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