Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
