she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it hurts more in the daytime
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
