I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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