I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
