in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do vagina's smell?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He better not be in your backpack
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
