im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
