I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize