I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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