hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Life is so much better after having sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
